I don't have much left.
There's been a lot of professional sturm und drang that I can't really write about here. But it's left me shaken and sort of semi-crushed and fearful. When I started this project I felt my writing was good, and that I could learn and get better. Now I'm not sure I can be better enough. I'm committed to finishing, because if I don't I can't look back and know that I really tried. But writing another 13 essays seems increasingly painful and meaningless.
And I'm just in a bad place. I had to go to the emergency room about two weeks ago, due to pain in my left arm. The pain subsided, but my arm swelled up. The swelling has been waxing and waning ever since, but when it's at its worst, my left hand looks like it has a hump back. I've had to elevate my arm, holding it over my head for hours at a time. Typing aggravates the condition.
My oncologist was unconcerned, insisting that the problem was rheumatologic. He didn't listen when I pointed out that the first time this happened, I was deep into chemotherapy and wasn't having any rheumatologic activity. He just smiled and nodded and repeated that he would speak to my rheumatologist over the weekend, as they were getting their kids together.
"Okay," I finally said. "Great." I'm starting to wonder: if you're talking and there's only a doctor there to hear you, do you make a sound?
It now seems clear that the pain is coming from lymphedema, swelling from lymphatic fluid that can occur in a limb after you've had nearby lymph nodes removed. It's not life-threatening and it's not especially painful, but if my arm keeps on swelling it could be extremely disfiguring.
Disfigurement (further disfigurement, actually) may seem trivial compared to life-threatening disease and chronic pain, but the fear of it is pushing me over the edge. I've been on the verge of tears much of the last few weeks. It feels as though everything will only get worse, but in new and creative ways I haven't thought of yet.
So, I think I'm changing the plan. 13 more essays will be written, but I may not submit them once per week. I want to write 600 words per day for 13 days, then go back and edit each submission individually, with the goal being to finish up sometime in August.
This may be a really stupid plan. Adam pointed out that I'm having enough trouble coming up with one topic per week. But I can't do this for another three months, so I've got to do something to make things better, even if it ends up making things worse. I guess.
